Whats in it for me?

Ok. I'm self-admittedly ridiculous. I love The Real Housewives of New York City. It's the only Real Housewives series I watch, but I love it. In case you've never seen it, it follows several socialite women who live in the Upper East-side of NYC. And by follow, I mean records and airs the drama. and by women, I mean people of the female persuasion who are in their 30s-50s, but act like they're still in their junior years of high school. Most of them are married, and those that are married (or were married at one point) have children, who are being raised to perpetuate this cycle where it's ok to act 20 years younger than you are.

Anyways, when I came upon this story, detailing the nasty breakup of one of the women on the show-- my heart broke. Not only is their marriage dissolving, but there's a kid in the middle of it. Not only is their marriage dissolving, but they've abandoned their marriage vows for someone younger with seemingly more to offer. This used-to-be couple is a living breathing example of what family scientists call Social Exchange Theory.

If I had to sum up the essence of SET in a few words, they would be 'manipulation and taking advantage'.

An attitude of "What's in it for me?" and "What do you want from me?" leads to mistrust and an idea that it's every individual for himself, against the world.

There have been times in my life where I have felt like this. There have been friendships I have maintained solely in the interest of having them as a 'resource' in the future. Likewise, there are people I have let go from my life because the drama they brought wasn't worth my cost of maintaining our friendship. I have quit dating some men because I didn't think I could live an eternity as their wife with whatever personal struggles they had or whatever profession they were planning to embark on. On the other hand, I purposely flirted with men who were going into fields I knew would be a stable source of income. With some of the men in the latter group, I dealt with behavior I knew wasn't acceptable in the hopes they would change and I could have the fairytale life I had been envisioning. After making these types of decisions, how could I be anything but a Social Exchange Theorist?

Then the thought occurred to me: I am married to a man who is far from perfect, but to whom my entire heart belongs. I am so far from perfect, it isn't even on my horizon, yet he loves me for me. I am the mother to a beautiful baby girl who is the product of a marriage where we are working every day to do better and become more together. I would do anything for those two. Thinking about the family I grew up in, the members of which are also far from perfect, and I recognize those relationships are ones I wouldn't trade for the world. I don't keep these people around for a rainy day when I need something— I keep them close because I truly love them. Nothing could change that, even if their portfolios included nothing but their names.

It was this realization which helped me come to realize we all have a little bit of a Social Exchange Theorist within ourselves. Due to the number of people who come into our lives, we have to. The Savior told us to love one another, but He also told us judge righteously. If we are judging righteously, we will realize when a person needs to be removed from our lives because of the threat they pose to our beloved family members, our marriage, or our self-worth. We will also be able to discern when a person who has nothing to 'offer' us needs to stay in our lives because they need us to give of ourselves to them. Love and righteous judgement are the keys to successful and happy relationships and lives.